I wish I had a time machine so I could go forward and find out what funny title I used to describe this essay

OR
Sometimes you work hard to not work

HOW I GOT OUT OF WRITING AN ESSAY ON H.G. WELL’S THE TIME MACHINE.

By Justin Kahn

(Because it’s also the International Year of Astronomy, over the next few weeks, we are happy to present a few reprinted funny pieces that relate to this business of space - Enjoy!)

January 17, 2005
I received the syllabus for my Humanities course. A humanities course should not be required for my B.Sc degree in Physics. To add insult to injury, we are supposed to do an analysis of Well’s The Time Machine. We are to focus on the historical context when the topic is time travel?
Who reads a book on a time machine for social insights? I would do anything to get out of this essay.
At dinner, my friends complained about this assignment. I tell them a way out: I will build a time machine.
They mocked me, but they will see.

January 18, 2005
9:20 A.M. Building a time machine is harder than I thought. There are all kinds of technical challenges I didn’t anticipate. Frustrated, I decide to make a mix tape with songs like Cher’s If I could Turn Back Time.
Noon. Finished my time machine. The book report is due in a couple of weeks, so I need to get down to business.

January 19, 2005
Watched Groundhog Day. What a great movie.

January 20, 2005
After lunch I get in my time machine and press the lever forward. I don’t know what to expect and am somewhat surprised by the sound emitted which is that of a very large blender. Stranger yet is the smell emitted by my contraption—which is that of cinnamon vanilla.

August 14, 1996
I have successfully transgressed the boundaries of time. I have moved backward in time.
I create an internet company called eToys. If I am rich, I don’t need to stay in school.

February 12, 1997
I’m rich. I have no need to go to school. Returning to the present with no worries about stupid papers on stupid books.

January 20, 2005
I return to the present. My company has flopped. I’m in debt. Must figure out a way to finish book report. Less than a month until it is due!

March 08, 1920
I go to Harvard, to see Professor Santayana, guru of arts and culture and stuff. I tell him my situation, the whole thing.
I ask him if he’ll help me.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

January 20, 2005
I believe Santayana was trying to give me a suggestion about the significance of Wells. I come up with a couple of ideas. After a good night’s rest I’ll return to Professor Santayana and see what he says.

March 08, 1920
I take my ideas to Santayana.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
I can see where this is going. I make my way back to the future.

December 16, 2004
Today is the day I signed up for the humanities course.
I try to intercept my past self from taking the humanities course. The lines for registration are painfully long. Unwilling to wait, I decide to not bother.

July 13, 1880
I meet H.G. Wells and try to persuade him he shouldn’t be a writer. H.G. claims he isn’t that interested in writing.
He asks me where I am from and why I am dressed the way I am.
I tell him that I have come from the future.
H.G.: “The future? Say, that is an interesting idea. Someone who can move through time. Speaking of writing,that would make for an interesting book. Don’t you think?”

I return to the present, depressed.

January 21, 2005
I realize I’m doing this all wrong. I should go to the future. Get the book report, I have already written, and than take it back to the past! The present! You know before the due date.

October 26, 2056
Overshot by a bit much.
I am so sick of my mix tape. I was sick of it the first time. But after fifty years? You can understand, if I am a bit on edge.
I assumed that the future would be infinitely more complex. Really is much simpler and I suppose it makes just as much sense to imagine that human society would work to make everything simpler rather than more complex.
The fundamental unit of currency is the ‘Ice Cube.’ I load my pockets with these, as proof of my adventure when I return to 2005, but also because I find them very helpful in cooling off room temperature drinks.

February 28, 2005
I meet my future self, who has already had his book report returned to him. He got a C-, the slacker. That’s good enough for me, though. So, I take my future self’s essay and run.

February 18, 2005
I submit my paper on The Time Machine.

February 28, 2005
My paper is returned to me with a C-. I feel like this doesn’t reflect the amount of effort I have put in. I tell the teacher so.
On the way out of my professor’s office, a young man (handsome, introspective and yet obviously ambitious) steals my book report. It doesn’t really matter since I’ve already received my grade. But it was still a painful reminder of how tough you have to be in this world.

October 3, 802, 701
I call a meeting. I persuade the Eloi and Morlock to live peaceably together. I warn them not to go back to their old ways.
I look at them and say “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

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Justin Kahn puts stuff on his blog, conceptofirony.blogspot.com

This Blog is now fully operational

There are things you can't unsee

or "I wish I didn't look after all .....


So I recently read Paul Levinson's blog post review on The Shield. It reminded me of the last episode and how traumatized I was after seeing it. I have always said that there are certain things you can't unsee and that is absolutely true with The Shield. After the finale I thought about it and realized The Shield has had three of the most disturbing scenes I have even seen on TV. The rest I have seen in movies or on the internet. These are things I can never get out of my mind, I think about them with the same emotion as when I first saw them __ years ago. They are so disturbing and powerful that you are changed, permanently, just a little bit.

So here are the top 9 things I have seen that can't be unseen.

1. The Shield - final episode. I don't want to have a spoiler on here so lets just say it's the scene in the episode titled "Family Meeting". I still think of it now and again and get a bit depressed.

2.The Shield - Season 2 (I think Barnstormer?) When Gardoki has his face burned on the stove by Armadillo. I had never seen such a brutal thing actually happen on TV. Usually the guy is saved at the last minute, not scarred for life!!

3. The Shield - Season 3, Riceburner. Tavon and Shane have a huge fight over a lie from Shane's horrible wife. It is a violent, nasty fight with the N-bomb dropped. Mara hits him in the head with an iron and he stumbles out onto the street, dazed and confused. He drives off and is eventually thrown through the windshield of his van after hitting a parked car. The digital filming at first makes the broken glass look like blood splattering onto the street. Words can't quite describe it. There's that feeling in the bottom of my stomach again!!

4. Two girls and a cup - Viral Video - After all the hype I "had" to see it... It is THE single worst thing I have ever seen. DON'T look it up if you haven't seen it. I won't be held responsible.

5. The last scene in "KIDS" - Movie 1995 - Just about the entire movie is disturbing, the use of unknown, young actors makes it that much more creepy. Telly, the main character, is HIV positive and tries to deflower as many young girls as possible without protection. The final scene where a boy takes advantage of a passed out girl who has HIV is just the icing on the cake. Having a teenage daughter myself, this movie shakes me to my core!

6. The rape scene in Leaving Las Vegas - Movie 1995 - When Elisabeth Shue is brutally raped by a bunch of jocks, it made me need to take a shower. The way the scene was shot, so choppy and rage filled, it was the darkest scene in a very dark movie.

7. The Blair Witch Project -Movie 1999 - The movie was mostly lame but the last 15 seconds were very traumatic. I couldn't go into the basement for years without the hair on my neck standing up.

8. Requiem for a Dream - Movie 2000 - The story line with the mother was upsetting, it made me think of my Grandma, and I hoped her life didn't end as lonely as that (and I was glad she didn't lose it like that). The arm amputation, the girlfriend prostituting her self out and being degraded...80% of the movie is so very tragic and sad.

9. A cadaver - Sophomore year in college I took Anatomy and Physiology. We dissected a new (fresh?) female cadaver. I will never forget seeing the chest cut open and then the teacher lifting the skin and breasts to the side like it was just wrapping for the insides. All the muscle and stuff underneath, heart, lungs, liver and intestines just popping out, right there for all to see and smell.

Marc's Fine ART of the Day

Marc's F ine ART of the Day-

Made possible by a cooperative agreement between Google, BlogSpot, Facebook and Marc Brown ( However only I am aware of it.)

Blue Dog at the Lone Branch - 2009 Oil on linen

I fell in love with the Blue Dog on a trip to New Orleans. I almost got a tatoo of her but friends tricked me into something else. ( long story)

The Blue Dog story:
One particular Cajun legend, the loup-garou, became the inspiration for the first Blue Dog. Painted for a book of Cajun ghost stories (Bayou, Inkwell, 1984), Rodrigue chose a photo of his studio dog Tiffany who had died several years before as his prototype. Rodrigue painted this first eerie Blue Dog a scruffy, pale grey-blue, with red eyes.

Want to buy a painting http://www.georgerodrigue.com/

Akeelah and the Spelling Zombie

or

Top Zombie Movies and Books

World War Z: (Book)

I loved this book and can't say enough about it. I love the way Max Brooks built such a rich fake history. I also love that the Zombies freeze and then when thawed they attack again.

Shaun of the Dead: (Movie)

When they are walking by the zombies and think they are just some wasted street people, I laugh every time.

28 Days Later: (Movie)

Danny Boyle directing (big fan), love the digital photography. The way the camera moves while the infected attack is just unnerving. I hate when that drop of blood falls down into the dad's eye.

The Serpent and The Rainbow: (Movie)

Director Wes Craven made an awesome movie, that is based on the book by Wade Davis. Bill Pullman is sent to Haiti by a pharmaceutical company, and is pulled into a government conspiracy of Zombification.

Night of the Living Dead: (Movie)

THE ORIGINAL , they just never stop coming.

Dawn of the Living Dead: (Movie)

What can I say, I like the whole mall set up. even though it is the weakest of my picks.

Return of the living Dead: (Movie)

When I was a Punk Rocker in High School, this was the movie we watched over and over. The girl who has sex in the graveyard, loved it. The barking half dog , one of my favorite scenes.

The Evil Dead: (Movie)

I am not so sure I count this as a Zombie movie but the dead are brought to life and it always stuck with me. Directed by Sam Raimi, this is one of those movies that had one or two scenes that scared me to the core. When the girl starts playing with the knife.... eeeep.

The Zombie Survival Guide: (Book)

Max Brooks again, the whole idea of this book is great.

Pride, Prejudice and Zombies: (Book)

Haven't read it yet, but I can't wait. Love the idea!

Who watches "The Watchmen" answered!

or



What did I come to see again??



Since I'm a time traveller, I went back two weeks and finally saw "The Watchmen". The best part of the movie was that I answered the question, "Who watches the Watchmen?" The answer is geeks...lots of geeks (well 10, approximately). Granted, I saw the movie at noon on a Monday, but still there were exactly 10 guys, by themselves, perfectly spaced out so they wouldn't have to talk to each other. And yes, I know that makes me a geek too. Takes one to know one.

Apparently, the marketing people know who goes to see these movies too. The trailers were just a giant nerd orgy. Star Trek Origins looks great, thank you J.J. Abrams. Though Sylar playing Spock makes me a bit leery. Then it was X-men Origins. Not a huge fan of the last two X-men movies or Liev Schreiber (he's going to take on Wolverine...come on!?) but it does look good.


Next up was The Terminator Salvation. Man, can Christian Bale be any hotter right now? (Said in a totally hetero way...) He is in everything. You can't be Batman, Pablo Escobar, John Conner and Jack Kelly... save some roles for the rest of the guys. When I was in 1992 everyone in "The Player" says "We'll get Bruce Willis for the lead!" Then Brad Pitt was Bruce, then Colin Farrel was Bruce, then they wanted Shia LaBeouf to be Bruce.


Anyway... I thought the movie was great! I loved Rorschach, he was perfect. The guy looked just like him and "the Batman" voice was great! I am not sure if they decided to hire actors just based on them looking like the characters in the book, or not, but they were uncanny.


Well... I think that's enough about the movie.

Have a nice day!!

Everything I learned, I learned by myself off of the computer

or

Wii ! It's not just for breakfast anymore!

http://www.wonderhowto.com/how-to/video/how-to-build-an-infrared-smart-board-with-a-wiimote-174101/

Why is education so expensive?!? I could pay $2,000 dollars for one of these if there was a 10% chance it would make it through a budget... or I could offer a class in the district high schools where we teach the kids how to do this, then we send a team of students to each elementary school to make one in all willing teachers classrooms. When they set it up they train any other kids that want to learn how to do it. Total cost $200 + each student has a skill that just may lead to more innovation. The snowball effect of this would be enormous!! The only question would be how can we "no bid" contract this out to a company, who could then charge $1,000 each to oversee it, otherwise what is really the point.

This vidoe shows how to make a Wii remote, a marker, and a laptop into a smartboard.... go, go, go, Macgyver.

The Revolution starts now!!!

Things that make me laugh... EVERYTIME!!

or

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

1 Wiener dogs- the are so long and floppy eared and overly confident.

2 My son with his underwear backwards. / when he gets right up to my face and breaths his stinky breath on me.

3 Some one laughing uncontrollably, tears in their eyes.

4 Myself in my sleep.

5 The words
Tickled / / Noodles / Boogie / Scooter/ Booboo/ scooby doo
Sherbet/ Schubert / Doofenshmirtz / octopus/ soup / shampoo
Wiener / Uranus / Nipple/ anything in a candian accent
Suessical / all Suess words pretty much./ turtle/ moose/ wood pecker

6 When people sing the wrong words to a song.

7 Team names at trivia night –Touched by An Uncle, Free Tibet with Purchase of a Large Drink. Nine inch Males.

8 A sit com set up that I see a million miles away

9 Will Ferrell’s President Bush- have some margaritas at Chi Chi’s

10 A platypus – especially Perry the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb- Plus they sound like a beaver lay eggs like a bird, common.

11 Will Ferrell in Elf- I’m singing a song about…

12 How I met Your Mother...wait for it..wait for it…. I think it has some great writing you don’t find around much any more.

13 Ground Hogs Day… it is funny, over..and over..and over!!

14 Unnecessary Censorship – from Jimmy Kimmel

15 Phineas and Ferb- A triangle kids and a rectangle kid, whose sister is a half circle.

16 People act like they heard the words wrong- like a Grandpa saying “start” instead of “stop”
17 Old silent movies – love the physical comedy – “Modern Times”

18 A “SPIT- TAKE” always makes me laugh, mostly because you see it a mile

19 When I try NOT to laugh because it's an inappropriate time!!!!

I Had A Dream

or

Marc Brown: It's Not complicated

I had this dream last night. I'll describe it the best I can, then tell you the back story. You know, since I don't follow time linearly.

So, I was in my southern mansion having a dinner party (Hey, a man can dream!). I was walking around entertaining and saying hi to all the families. I would say there were maybe 20 families. Suddenly I heard a ruckus in the library. I opened the door and it is a huge Sherlock Holmes style library, and there was a mess everywhere. There was this boy on the floor throwing all my favorite, leather-bound books as hard and spitefully as he could. There were other boys all over with cuts and scrapes and this boy was throwing the books right at them. There was blood everywhere, on the floors and on the shelves. I tried to stop him and he went crazy. I had to restrain him (thank you Denver Public Schools for the training). I was so mad and wanted to just punch him out to stop him, but I didn't and he kept getting worse. He was like a rabid dog, a la Stephen King. He just kept attacking, and attacking. Finally I got him to calm down and he just started to laugh at me.

I went out and looked around for his dad, but when I found him I couldn't speak . It was like my throat was clogged. No sound would come out. I finally got some words out and he just shrugged, "so what". I walked him around explaining to him and showing him how other families were playing games with their sweet kids and others were sitting around doing crafts and laughing. I told him I would have to have him pay for the damages his son did to my moms house (yes ownership somehow changed). He walked over to some other guys and they discussed something, while they hung out downstairs in the basement.

I went outside and saw this bird or pterodactyl on the roof by it's nest. While I was watching, some eggs started to roll off the roof. I caught one and as I did it hatched and a baby came out. I thought I didn't want it to look at me because then it would think I was it's mother and I wasn't. Then another rolled off and I tried to save it to, but it landed on the ground and when the shell cracked we saw it was already dead.

Meanwhile, in the basement, my Mom and my (deceased) step Dad were working on their room, when the men asked them why they were living in the basement of this house. Why weren't they living on the main floor, which was were I was going to live. They started getting mad explaining that it was illegal to rent out the rest of the house because it was a single family dwelling. "No! No! We are just renovating - that's all!" they explained. Things started to get heated. The guys said they were going to turn everyone in. I tried to stop them by saying that they were just trying to get out of paying for the crazy boy's behavior. They said all the damage was my problem, too bad, I would have to deal with it myself.

Now here is the back story: it's complicated.

My mom moved in to my house over the summer, she lives in the garage that we renovated. We just hooked up the water last weekend ourselves, no permit. (hypothetically) We are adopting two kids from Ethiopia in the next few weeks. My son woke up last night at 1am, and was screaming and arguing like he has done for the last 3.5 years. I finally got him to stop and go down to his room, where I put him to bed, but then I was to hyped up to go back to sleep. I was up until 4:30, when I finally drifted to sleep and had this dream.

I'm thinking I probably don't need a dream analysis on this one.

Top 19 Media About Time Travel

or

If you are ever bedridden, here are somethings to do.

Only slightly in order. And just some quick thoughts -- not long winded reviews.

Primer (movie) Great Movie so minimal and washed out. Love the idea that business uses technology just to make money- see how the Porn industry has driven our top tech inventions. Like VHS, DVD, Internet.

Donnie Darko (movie) Love the 80’s sound track and remember Frank is just trying to help you – maybe. I Love how time travel is always blamed on symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia.

12 Monkeys (movie) One of Brad’s top 5 performances. Love how Brad and Bruce have possible symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia.

Time Bandits (movie) Why does there have to be evil? Supreme Being: I think it has something to do with free will. Look, do you want to be leader of this gang? No, we agreed: No leader! Right. So shut up and do as I say..

Rant – An Oral Biography (Book) Can’t give anything away, so I’ll just say this is a delightful story, just like all of Chuck’s books, if you are a twisted soul. A quick read I finished in only 3 months, with time travel factored in.

Does Groundhog Day count? (Movie) I had groundhog for breakfast! I like to see a man of advancing years throwing caution to the wind. It's inspiring in a way.

The Butterfly Effect (movie) one of the only movies with Ashton I can watch…. Plus it goes with A Sound Of Thunder (see below).

A Sound of Thunder by Ray Bradbury (Short Story) The movie sucked, but I love the idea of changing history by stepping on a bug. Some rich business men pay big money to hunt a T-rex. Trivia Ray actually didn’t coin the phrase “butterfly effect” though; it was an MIT dude in the 80’s

The Simpsons episode "Time and Punishment" which was part of Season 6's Tree house of Horror V. The spoof of the short story above. Later stolen to make the butterfly effect.

Time After Time (movie) My name is H.G. Wells. I came here in a time machine of my own construction. I am pursuing Jack the Ripper, who escaped into the future in my machine. One of those movies you saw 50 times because it was the summer you got HBO.

Timeline by Michael Creighton (book) Movie sucked. Book makes sense though, you know if you suspend disbelief.

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (movie) High school movie to watch over and over and over.
Back to the Future 2 and 1 (movies) I really like the second one when Biff uses his time travel to make money. But the popular answer is the first one.

Terminator 2 and 1 (movies) He was right, he did come back.

Planet of the Apes (movie) Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape! You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Lost (TV) who doesn’t love this show freckles? Think of how so many of us thought they were dead and in purgatory.

Peabody's Improbable History (TV) Talking dog historian/time traveler, Mr. Peabody and his pet boy Sherman. The two would jump into their time machine called "The way back machine". Getting up at 5:30 as a kid to watch the Lone Ranger and this was on after it. With Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Once in a Lifetime by the Talking Heads (Song) 1980 “…and you may tell yourself. This is not my beautiful house! And you may tell yourself .This is not my beautiful wife!”

Time Splitter 2000 (PS2) I know it is an old game but its one of the few I have played- as referenced in my Blog Unstuck in Time. I am cheap and only have old games.

Time Machine by HG Wells (Book) was published in 1895. Are you kidding me?! The Island Of Dr. Moreau, War of the Worlds The Invisible Man. HG Wells was a true Futurist.

And finally a poem:

A mammoth, frozen

in Siberian tundra

for twice 10,000 years
Is exhumed at last.

Embedded in the right tusk:

a tracking device

-- Keith Allen Daniels