The Problem With Being Unstuck in Time

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It’s not cool until I say it’s cool.

Sometimes I feel like I am Billy Pilgrim in Slaughter House Five, or Desmond (from LOST) in “The Constant” episode. I seem to have problems with slipping around in time. Sometimes I’m in the future. Mostly I’m in the past, mostly, and many times I hear Tyler Durden telling me “This is the greatest moment of your life and you’re off somewhere missing it. Stay focused on the moment, don’t think about other things just enjoy the moment.” How often am I in the present, not thinking about what happened today or what I will do later, just enjoying right now? I digress.

This week I have been obsessed with the White Stripes. I listened to them for the first time a couple weeks ago. Now of course I’d heard them years ago… and changed the station, but I never really listened to them before. The song was Blue Orchid – wow, soooo good -- then I listened to Seven Nation Army. Also awesome. I even created a crush for Meg. I know, I know they have been around since the late 90’s but to me they are a brand new band, because I just slid back to that year for a week. I didn’t really listen to Nirvana until their MTV Unplugged CD was playing at my friend Pat’s house in 1997. Kurt wasn’t even alive any more. You see, I spent several weeks crashing at Pat’s house in Tucson, not knowing he had no TV until I got there. I remember in 2001 I was living in the 1990’s and discovered Paul Oakenfold and electronica music. That was an amazing summer. Of course my wife says I am not time traveling but rather I never listen to FM radio or new music or her. True. I have a closed loop for music, kind of like the Amish and breeding.

The best part is I ALWAYS say I don’t like things that I have never actually heard, tasted or seen, just because the masses think it’s cool. I used to think that started when I was in high school when Joe, Pat, Mickey, Brian and I were punk rock guys. I loved to hate everything people loved. I was totally different and unique, exactly like my friends were. However I realized I had been doing it years before. I remember telling my friend Jay Penny in middle school that I didn’t want to go with him to see U2 at Red Rocks. Yes. In 1983. I have spoken to 14,000 people that went to that concert and, yes, it holds just under 10,000. It’s just like how I have met at least 40 people now that were with Darent Williams the night he was shot and died. I am sure he had a big posse that NYE, but I don’t actually know that many cool people that he would have hung out with. Anyway, I didn’t want to go to the concert because I thought he was talking about the B52’s which were popular, therefore I didn’t like them. I know in 1987 at college I always listened to them and proclaimed they were the best.

The same can also be said for TV and movies. I finally watched Weeds, season 1, this summer. Loved it! Welcome to 2005. I started watching the Wire (one of the best shows ever made) when season 3 started in 2004. When I make it back to 2004 I can finally start Battlestar Galactica -- I’ve heard it’s good. Just thinking of the irony of watching Donnie Darko three years after it was out and thinking “I used to love this INXS song” when it was big in the 8o’s. That is some real time traveling.

I just finished the last episode ever of “The Shield”. Yes, I am currently living in November 2008. Wow!! That’s all I can say. The end is so perfect and soooo disturbing it would be wrong to describe it… it really must be experienced. I was going to post the trauma I suffered from watching this… but I will save that for another digression.

This Christmas I was stuck in 2001, My wife bought me one of those hats that looks like a snow hat but it has a bill on it. I LOVE this hat. I remember when they came out and I said ‘I hate those hats, and those dumb kids that think they are sooo cool wearing them.” Two years ago I was in 2002, where I bought cargo pants for work. I love them, so I bought 4 pairs. Just like the hats with the bill, I hated them until that then. Too many kids wearing them…and why do they need so many pockets? I don’t need so many pockets. Heck I figured while I was there I might as well buy some skateboard shoes too. I wear them every chance I can. Now I am trying to buy a black leather jacket for spring as long as I land in any year from 1980 – 1999. Unfortunately for me, my wife acts as Doc Brown as I go backwards in time, preventing me from buying anything that might change the future. Therefore I am not allowed to buy a leather jacket because she says they are “out”. Hello McFly??? Anybody home!! I guess she may be part Biff too. Of course my wife would say I’m no time traveler it’s just that by the time clothes are 75% off on the clearance rack at Target I am finally willing to buy them.

When I think about it, I have never experienced electronics in the present. I am always a year or more behind. I would never think of buying a new computer in the $1500 range with whatever is new and great. What do I need 4 gigs of ram for? That would explain why I have never played a video game in the present, only the past. I would never consider buying a blue ray until they are two years old. What do I need 1080 dpi for? I would never buy a blackberry, what do I need to check email on the road for? I almost bought a PS3 the day the came out … but they were 600 bucks. I can still use my PS2. Plus when I jump back two years, a year from now, I will be able to buy it for a quarter of the price. I would never buy a brand new, on-the-market video game. I can wait a year and get it for half price. Sure this means I play Madden football when the players have already been traded or retired, and it’s on a Sega, but I am still enjoying it. I am an expert of all sports players and the team they were on 3 years ago.

Of course my wife says she can explain my time traveling and there is a logical scientific explanation for all this… I am extremely cheap!!